I get super passionate about things for two days and I’m like yeah I’m gonna change my major and get a degree in this then I realize I have no talent or self focus or motivation and find something else to get excited about and I’m afraid I’m going to end up working in a grocery store the rest of my life. I’m smart and passionate about things but too many things. I can’t stick to one. I can’t stick to anything. I have a bunch of passion but I don’t want to do anything with it. I feel stuck. I also feel this way about my relationship sometimes but that’s for a different sappy text post.
Anthony never says “I love you too” he just says I love you, and that’s one of the reasons why I love him.
contrary to what my anons say, posting naked pictures of myself online is not a bad thing.
it does not mean I have no self worth
it does not mean I seek attention
it does not mean I’m asking you to fuck me
it does not mean I’m a slut
it does not mean I’m a horrible person
For the first time since I can remember I am completely comfortable with my body, all 190 pounds of it. I am no longer starving myself, cutting myself, or feeling like I am worthless because I am not as skinny as other girls I see. I love who I am and what I look like, and sometimes I take naked pictures of myself cause I’m like god damn I’m hot, and sometimes I post them online because I want other people to appreciate how fucking awesome I am. And even if you don’t, that’s okay, it does not change how I look at myself and how I value myself. So if you were that anon trying to put me down for posting naked pictures, fuck you.
I think I have a boyfriend now. Maybe. Well idk. But whatever we are I like it. And I’m happy. That is all.
I don’t want to feel lonely anymore, and I want the anxiety to go away
Don’t read this cause its gonna be really stupid ok.
Okay so my head is kind of a mess right now and I’m just over thinking a lot. I’m starting to get a lot of panic attacks more often thinking about death, which scares the shit out of me because like once you’re gone you’re gone and that’s it. There’s nothing. No more. All of this is kind of meaningless. And that scares me. We worry about our iPhones and going to college and stuff like that but in 80 years none of this bullshit is gonna matter. But 80 years is a long time and I wanna spend it trying to be as happy as possible. I just want to be happy with someone who makes me happy and not worry about any of this other stress. I just fuck idk I always feel like I can’t breathe. I just want a day where I can fucking breathe. I want one day without stress. I constantly feel like everything is heavy. I’ve been happier since I’ve moved to NY but I still feel depressed. Like everything is weighing down on me. I need to get a car and register for school and get a job and not feel like im a fucking failure. I just feel like I’m letting myself down. I just want to be happy. Fuck. Also I’m afraid because I started talking to this boy, well I’ve been talking to him. And I don’t like the word perfect cause no one is perfect but he’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Like inside and out. One of the few people who gets my anxiety, and has all the same interests in me, listens to the same music stuff like that. Also I trust him. And this is a big deal because I never trust dudes. Whenever I start talking to someone I always get a bad feeling. Like oh he’s talking to 30 other girls or something is wrong with him. Like with any other dude I lurk all their social networks and find something shitty. They either have a girlfriend or some shit like that. But I trust him and I know he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, and maybe I’m being fucking dumb and naive but I have a good feeling about this. I’m super excited to see where things go. Idk I just wanna kiss his face. That’s kinda been the only good thing in the last couple of months. Moving to NY was cool obviously but talking to him makes me feel less lonely and no one has been able to do that in a long time. Idk. The only thing I’m afraid of is pushing him away with my anxiety and depression like I do with everyone else. Idk. Fuck. Catching feels suck but I’m hopeful. This was a pointless rant but I feel better. I just wanna breathe for a day. I just wanna be happy. I’m working on it.
yo I have a huge crush on Anthony
that is all
It sucks feeling so lonely and unwanted. It sucks having feelings for people and knowing they will never reciprocate them. It sucks knowing you will never be that girl. I’m not even good enough to be someone’s side girl. Everyone has someone, and I’m alone. I feel ugly and stupid and just meh. I want someone to want me and I know no one does. I suck so much. i see all these couples and it’s just like I feel so unwanted I’m no one to anybody. Like no one special. Everyone has someone who wants to kiss them goodnight and I don’t. I’ll never be that girl. And I’ll never feel good enough. I feel so god damn lonely and no one understands.
This is worse than a breakup. Breakups are okay because it’s just a dumb boy. But you were someone who I genuinely love and care about and it’s my fault, I know it is. My depression and anxiety is pushing everyone away and no one can deal with me anymore, and I’m trying so hard to better myself and I just feel like it will never be enough. I have dreams that we are okay and everything is fine, then I wake up and I’m okay for .3 seconds until I realize nothing is fine. I’m alone. Honestly there was one person who knew me inside out who for the most part put up with all my bullshit and did their best to make me happy. I am way too fucking much to deal with and honestly I feel like everything would be a whole lot better if I wasn’t here anymore.
When it come to boys and feelings and relationships and sex I’m just like, bleh. On one hand I want a relationship so badly, I miss being in love, I miss being cute with someone, I miss lazy Sunday mornings, I miss just being myself with someone. On the other hand I get so annoyed with boys quickly, and I hate clingy people, and I push everyone away. There’s only one person I can see myself being with and that one happen. But at the same time I’m god damn sexually frustrated all the time sometimes I want more than a friends with benefits but less than a relationship. Someone who I can just hang out with, and have sex with all the time, someone who is okay with my body and is willing it work through my insecurities. I just feel so shitty sometimes when it comes to boys. I hear all my guy friends talk about how beautiful and perfect all these girls are and it just makes me feel like shit, not jealous because of them but because no one will ever want me like that. No one thinks I’m beautiful or perfect or anything. No one thinks I’m hot because I’m chubby and just bleh. Boys are stupid. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I just want to have lazy days with someone this summer and laugh and have sex a lot, with someone who wants me the way I want them. Bleh.
"I mean correct me if I’m wrong but I always thought being proud of yourself was the best prize, so when you hear me speak don’t mistake confidence for anything else, it’s not selfishness, its not ego, I’ll admit I’m a little demanding at times but I just can’t sit in the back seat. I know where I wanna end up and where I wanna go so why shouldn’t I take the wheel? why shouldn’t I be able to neglect everything, if it isn’t my everything?"
I just want a cute boy who will watch netflix with me, touch my butt, sing me sad songs, read me poetry, go camping with me, and have sex with me all the time.
IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR
I’m in one of those fucking shitty moods where I hate everything about myself. I don’t even know why. I get in dumb shitty moods where I have no self esteem. Besides like in pictures and even then in like any angle I just look like a fat fuck and I hate it. Even though I know I’m being too hard on myself. I just hate everything about my body and my face and I see other girls and get so sad. Whatever this is really annoying I don’t care. I just wanna be happy in my own skin
Last night was really bad, but I’m honestly feeling a lot better. My anxiety has gone away and yeah. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head. I was over thinking everything yesterday and it made me so depressed. I missed my brother but I still kinda hate him at the same time. I wanted to talk to my mom but she told me to leave her alone. I just felt like really alone. I didn’t feel welcome anywhere like no one wanted me around, and I don’t know. I hate over thinking but I feel okay now. Not happy but better. I have so many good things going on in my life if I would just stop and realize it. I’m going to school, I’m working on getting a job, my family may be separated but we are still a family. I have friends like angel, who is one of the greatest people I know, even if she’s a horrible texter who I can 100% always be honest with. And Matt who I’ve only known for a month and is already one of my best friends. He’s the only person who can calm down my anxiety and get me to cheer up even if I do feel unwelcomed sometimes. He’s like my big brother except I think he’s attractive and he’s seen my butt. So no he’s like my gay best friend who likes vagina. And Sarah who I know loves me even though she doesn’t always show it. And gabe and Austin and my little sister who is my whole world. And my dog even though he’s bi polar. I get so caught up in over thinking everything that I forget all the positive things surrounding me. This time last year Cory broke up with me and I ended up shaking and crying myself to sleep every night and was so miserable every day, and now I’ve had one BAD day in the last month, and a cutie with a mustache who wants to send me flowers. “It took almost 13 months for me to be where I feel fine, I’m not as sad as I let myself believe sometimes.