I know everyone has their own story. And I know no one has it worse than anyone else. I just get very frustrated when people I don’t know judge me. Or think they know me. I have come so far and it really frustrates me when people judge without knowing anything. This is just me venting so sorry if it’s annoying. This isn’t like an oh pity me thing. I just wanna get this off my chest. When I was eight I was molested by my older brother for 3 years. And I hated him. I hated him right up until I watched him over dose on heroin and die. And I still didn’t forgive him until his funeral. When I was little I had to take care of all of my siblings because my dad was always high on coke and my mom was always drunk. I had to drop out of high school to take care of my siblings. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety my whole life. There where times when I would sleep in parks because my parents kicked me out when I didn’t give them the money I worked hard for for drugs I’ve had multiple abusive partners, one raped me two years ago. Last November I shoved all my sleeping pills down my throat cause I was convinced I would never get better. Then wanna know what happened? I changed my perspective. I worked hard to get my GED. I cut poisonous people out of my life. I went to therapy. I removed myself from a toxic situation by moving across the country. I fell in love with myself. I fell in love with a beautiful human being who treats me way better than I deserve. I enrolled in college where I have a 3.8 gpa. I found a job. I worked 30 hours a week while still taking care of my siblings and maintaing a long distance relationship. Then life decided to be like fuck you again and my dad kicked me out because he owed ME money. Did I cry and give up? Nah. I said fuck it. I quit my job took the semester off school and moved in with Anthony. I found a job two weeks later. And we’re moving into our own apartment next month. Life isn’t easy and it isn’t fair and it’s so easy to give up but I refuse to do that. I continue fighting cause that’s all I can do. And I think I’m doing a pretty good job.
It’s very difficult living 3,000 miles away from all your friends. And those friends don’t talk to you. It’s hard not being in school anymore so not being able to make new friends. It’s hard working at a place where you don’t interact with anyone. It’s hard living in a house where no one besides your boyfriend talks to you and you feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. It’s hard living in a new city where people already don’t like you. It’s hard when you and your boyfriend work a lot. I am incredibly lonely and isolated and sad.
I wish people cared about me and loved me and said nice things to me. It’s really sad that the only compliments I get are on what I look like physically. I just want someone to kiss the insides of me and tell me I’m they’re favorite person.
Last night I had a dream that someone I know ( I can’t say who) was texting me and was like I think you’re beautiful and I love you and etc. I was so happy. Like the feeling you get when you fall in love for the first time. I don’t know if this means I’ve had repressed feelings for this person, or that I’m just craving love and affection. All me and Anthony do anymore is fight. It’s not fun anymore. I know it’s cause we both live with his parents and we’re both stressed. I just want to be happy again. And I want to feel butterflies again. What’s fucked up about the whole thing is I knew it was a dream while I was dreaming because to everyone else besides Anthony I’m irrelevant and incisive and not worthy of their time. I don’t know this was dumb. Bye.
I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time. I miss when my dad was my best friend. Not the kind of person who would kick me out of my house. I miss Arizona. I miss my friends. I miss being happy. I miss staying out until 5am. I miss being in school. I never wanted it to get this bad again
I got a job today and me and Anthony are less stressed and last night we were talking about how we feel distant from each other so we read the little cards we gave to each other on valentines day listing reasons why we love each other and we listened to the first mix cd I made him and we cried and kissed and I just love him so god damn much. None of this has been easy but it’s been worth it. There are days when I wanna give up but I don’t because I think about all the stories we have about our kids that don’t even exist yet. Or the wedding we haven’t had yet. I think about everything we’ve been through. I am so in love with that boy.
Still on the hunt for a cute butt plug
I get super passionate about things for two days and I’m like yeah I’m gonna change my major and get a degree in this then I realize I have no talent or self focus or motivation and find something else to get excited about and I’m afraid I’m going to end up working in a grocery store the rest of my life. I’m smart and passionate about things but too many things. I can’t stick to one. I can’t stick to anything. I have a bunch of passion but I don’t want to do anything with it. I feel stuck. I also feel this way about my relationship sometimes but that’s for a different sappy text post.
Anthony never says “I love you too” he just says I love you, and that’s one of the reasons why I love him.
contrary to what my anons say, posting naked pictures of myself online is not a bad thing.
it does not mean I have no self worth
it does not mean I seek attention
it does not mean I’m asking you to fuck me
it does not mean I’m a slut
it does not mean I’m a horrible person
For the first time since I can remember I am completely comfortable with my body, all 190 pounds of it. I am no longer starving myself, cutting myself, or feeling like I am worthless because I am not as skinny as other girls I see. I love who I am and what I look like, and sometimes I take naked pictures of myself cause I’m like god damn I’m hot, and sometimes I post them online because I want other people to appreciate how fucking awesome I am. And even if you don’t, that’s okay, it does not change how I look at myself and how I value myself. So if you were that anon trying to put me down for posting naked pictures, fuck you.
I think I have a boyfriend now. Maybe. Well idk. But whatever we are I like it. And I’m happy. That is all.
I don’t want to feel lonely anymore, and I want the anxiety to go away
Don’t read this cause its gonna be really stupid ok.
Okay so my head is kind of a mess right now and I’m just over thinking a lot. I’m starting to get a lot of panic attacks more often thinking about death, which scares the shit out of me because like once you’re gone you’re gone and that’s it. There’s nothing. No more. All of this is kind of meaningless. And that scares me. We worry about our iPhones and going to college and stuff like that but in 80 years none of this bullshit is gonna matter. But 80 years is a long time and I wanna spend it trying to be as happy as possible. I just want to be happy with someone who makes me happy and not worry about any of this other stress. I just fuck idk I always feel like I can’t breathe. I just want a day where I can fucking breathe. I want one day without stress. I constantly feel like everything is heavy. I’ve been happier since I’ve moved to NY but I still feel depressed. Like everything is weighing down on me. I need to get a car and register for school and get a job and not feel like im a fucking failure. I just feel like I’m letting myself down. I just want to be happy. Fuck. Also I’m afraid because I started talking to this boy, well I’ve been talking to him. And I don’t like the word perfect cause no one is perfect but he’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Like inside and out. One of the few people who gets my anxiety, and has all the same interests in me, listens to the same music stuff like that. Also I trust him. And this is a big deal because I never trust dudes. Whenever I start talking to someone I always get a bad feeling. Like oh he’s talking to 30 other girls or something is wrong with him. Like with any other dude I lurk all their social networks and find something shitty. They either have a girlfriend or some shit like that. But I trust him and I know he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, and maybe I’m being fucking dumb and naive but I have a good feeling about this. I’m super excited to see where things go. Idk I just wanna kiss his face. That’s kinda been the only good thing in the last couple of months. Moving to NY was cool obviously but talking to him makes me feel less lonely and no one has been able to do that in a long time. Idk. The only thing I’m afraid of is pushing him away with my anxiety and depression like I do with everyone else. Idk. Fuck. Catching feels suck but I’m hopeful. This was a pointless rant but I feel better. I just wanna breathe for a day. I just wanna be happy. I’m working on it.
yo I have a huge crush on Anthony
that is all