When it come to boys and feelings and relationships and sex I’m just like, bleh. On one hand I want a relationship so badly, I miss being in love, I miss being cute with someone, I miss lazy Sunday mornings, I miss just being myself with someone. On the other hand I get so annoyed with boys quickly, and I hate clingy people, and I push everyone away. There’s only one person I can see myself being with and that one happen. But at the same time I’m god damn sexually frustrated all the time sometimes I want more than a friends with benefits but less than a relationship. Someone who I can just hang out with, and have sex with all the time, someone who is okay with my body and is willing it work through my insecurities. I just feel so shitty sometimes when it comes to boys. I hear all my guy friends talk about how beautiful and perfect all these girls are and it just makes me feel like shit, not jealous because of them but because no one will ever want me like that. No one thinks I’m beautiful or perfect or anything. No one thinks I’m hot because I’m chubby and just bleh. Boys are stupid. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I just want to have lazy days with someone this summer and laugh and have sex a lot, with someone who wants me the way I want them. Bleh.
“I mean correct me if I’m wrong but I always thought being proud of yourself was the best prize, so when you hear me speak don’t mistake confidence for anything else, it’s not selfishness, its not ego, I’ll admit I’m a little demanding at times but I just can’t sit in the back seat. I know where I wanna end up and where I wanna go so why shouldn’t I take the wheel? why shouldn’t I be able to neglect everything, if it isn’t my everything?”
I just want a cute boy who will watch netflix with me, touch my butt, sing me sad songs, read me poetry, go camping with me, and have sex with me all the time.
IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR
I’m in one of those fucking shitty moods where I hate everything about myself. I don’t even know why. I get in dumb shitty moods where I have no self esteem. Besides like in pictures and even then in like any angle I just look like a fat fuck and I hate it. Even though I know I’m being too hard on myself. I just hate everything about my body and my face and I see other girls and get so sad. Whatever this is really annoying I don’t care. I just wanna be happy in my own skin
Last night was really bad, but I’m honestly feeling a lot better. My anxiety has gone away and yeah. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head. I was over thinking everything yesterday and it made me so depressed. I missed my brother but I still kinda hate him at the same time. I wanted to talk to my mom but she told me to leave her alone. I just felt like really alone. I didn’t feel welcome anywhere like no one wanted me around, and I don’t know. I hate over thinking but I feel okay now. Not happy but better. I have so many good things going on in my life if I would just stop and realize it. I’m going to school, I’m working on getting a job, my family may be separated but we are still a family. I have friends like angel, who is one of the greatest people I know, even if she’s a horrible texter who I can 100% always be honest with. And Matt who I’ve only known for a month and is already one of my best friends. He’s the only person who can calm down my anxiety and get me to cheer up even if I do feel unwelcomed sometimes. He’s like my big brother except I think he’s attractive and he’s seen my butt. So no he’s like my gay best friend who likes vagina. And Sarah who I know loves me even though she doesn’t always show it. And gabe and Austin and my little sister who is my whole world. And my dog even though he’s bi polar. I get so caught up in over thinking everything that I forget all the positive things surrounding me. This time last year Cory broke up with me and I ended up shaking and crying myself to sleep every night and was so miserable every day, and now I’ve had one BAD day in the last month, and a cutie with a mustache who wants to send me flowers. “It took almost 13 months for me to be where I feel fine, I’m not as sad as I let myself believe sometimes.
I am not happy. I am not okay. my thyroid is getting worse, just when I think I’m friends with people shit gets ruined, I am alone, and I am a mess.
ugh this is so hard. ok ok. well first off he has to love music, I can’t date someone who doesn’t love music. also it would be nice if we listened to a lot of the same stuff but at the same time I wanna be able to show him new music and vise vers. he has to be really funny. if you can’t make me laugh then it isn’t gonna go anywhere. hmm you have to be like sweet and shit but not too much. if you’re too sweet and clingy it’ll make me wanna vomit. I like nice guys but if you’re an asshole once in awhile ya know that’s cool. you have to be willing to watch a lot of fucking netflix with me. you have to understand when you’re dating me you’re also dating my depression, my anxiety, and my dysfunctional family. uh you have to have your shit together. like TLC said no scrubs. uh you have to be taller than me, I’m 5’7 so yeeeah. you gotta be a cutie pa tootie. I would prefer someone who treats me right and doesn’t cheat on me. just be like a cool nice person and we’ll get along swimmingly.
I feel so alone and all the thoughts and flashbacks from my childhood are coming back. And I just thought you weren’t gonna make me feel alone anymore. I thought wrong.
I feel as if no one is going to want me. No one even talks to me anymore. I can’t handle being alone anymore
I hate sleeping alone so much. I need to be next to someone. Even if it’s my dog. The nightmares and flashbacks always sweep over me when I’m sleeping and I wake up crying almost every night. I hate it
I talk about sex a lot then get mad when that’s the only thing boys want from me. But it’s like I don’t know, they’re not interested in me anyways. I feel like crying and/or breaking my phone. I’m fucking dumb. My heart is filled with like rainbows and unicorns and I’m such a sweetheart but boys either friend zone me or put me in the I just wanna fuck zone and that really fucking sucks. Especially if I actually do like someone and care about them and that’s all they want from me
” I was perfectly happy killing myself but then you asked me to try, and for the first time in my life it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that person was worth trying for”
I was looking at posts on my blog from when Cory and I broke up, and it just made me realize so much
I am going to make someone really happy one day
our relationship will consist of netlfix, hot coco, sex, night drives, cute dates to the zoo, and thrift stores, and the petting zoo. blow jobs and pizza. a cute apt with weird decorations, camping trips, road trips to california. sitting around listening to records. we will live in a cute apt where there’s a lot of trees and a lot of rains and I’ll love you, and trust you, and hopefully you will the same. also lot’s of sex. and how I met your mother.
this is going to be really long and sappy and stupid